Miss Lisa and Miss Atay
Saturday, September 27, 2003
hey lis :) well, i've been good. been busy with school and doing my own thang here. iv'e been home a lot just writing and playing guitar. jojo bought me an electric guitar last week!!!!! but i still have sucky amp... but i should be getting a nice big one soon... hopefully from my parents. so i've been playing more.
ben enrolled me for 12 1-hour GUITAR LESSONS. he sent a letter in the mail showing i was enrolled. i was really excited!!!!! but by the end of the day i called him and told him i couldnt take it. so the usual- he keeps insisting we're just friends... and i think he thinks he's just doing it from the goodness of his heart. but i don't want to take advantage of a brother like that, yanno? sigh. i was really excited about it too. it's aaaaaall good. hehe. anyway, when my bro bought me the guitar the next week i felt like it was my reward for my noble attempt. haha.
i bought my ticket for december- for becky and jared's wedding. i'm flying into jersey and then salman and i are gona drive to ohio. i believe it's an 8 hour drive. after, i'm gona spend a couple days there with him and his family... and then come home before new years eve... and hopefully he can come home with me for about a week or so....
things with salman are really great. oh lis. =) i'm so... satisfied. it's not only about him that i feel so satisfied with... but it's like he fits so right in my life. you know that whole shpeal about not getting into a relationship right now because of not being ready... well, that is what it looks like when we just put it into words to simplify it... but we're taking time. it's not so much about "waiting" or "holding out"... it's more like we're just taking it day by day, being in each other's lives and going about our lives that way. we know what precautions to take. but there are no defined lines and boundries. i can't stand lines and boundries.
you know me, i don't like it how people are friends and then they "go out" and begin to date or court and then it just gets so STUPID cuz they end up treating each other differently... they end up pursuing love and making things happen just so that the "relationship" matches the "title"... and that's why i could never commit bc no one has ever understood that I NEED SPACE. and that I WILL NEED SPACE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. i just can't work with guys who don't get that. i always end up feeling suffocated... like i can't live MY life. i always thought it was a bad trait, bc i end up looking like i don't know how to "commit." but i've decided it's not a flaw, and it's just who i am. i don't think it's realistic to start doing certain things just bc it SEEMS like the right time for it...
but that's what i love about me and salman... that understanding. letting things unravel for themselves... not pushing it... not containing it. he's the same way about space and living life. we were on the phone talking about it for hours a couple nights ago. we were talking being a hopeless romantic. and i told him- it seems like being a so-called hopeless romantic is a bad thing bc of the emotional rollercoaster it could take a person on, but i believe that i live my life in looOoOove everyday but that i can still be practical when i need do. lis. we just match. i couldn't ask for more right now. he's a blessing period. everyday that he's still around i just THANK GOD. life is so beautiful. title or no title, it doesn't matter because we know where we stand. i know there's a fine line between this certain "satisfaction" and the insecurity that creeps up every once in a while... but trusting is always now or never.
and i dont know if you think it just sounds like i'm crazy or that i'm just blinded cuz i'm like head over heels, but i am just living my life. i feel like ME... i can do things that i love, i can talk about things that mean most to me.... and it's not because he makes me feel this way... but it's just the way my life flows with him in it. and of course it's not only how my life is because he's in it.... it's him. it's like him, a real live person...
hahah. i'll stop now. :) i gota do some homework.
hope all is well with you. let me know whats going on. i texted u earlier and u said u were taking care of a few things with sherwin. how's everything going with that? i spoke to jon about a week ago online... he said he'll be there in october yeah? :)
ttyls, Godbless, i love u!
