Miss Lisa and Miss Atay
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
u know as much as you can like a person, it may not always be right to get into a relationship if you just got out of one. i keep thinking about my past relationship. and i keep thinking about Salman's past relationship (something i hardly know anything about). at first i didn't even give the past a second thought, but now i feel somewhat paralyzed. i think i'm even going through down period. i don't know if it's jealousy, i don't know if i'm just feel after effects.
as much as i tell myself now that nathan and i are done with, that doesn't dismiss the fact that we were serious. he was a serious part of my life... for 3 years. and i can't lie about that. i'm over him, but once in a while, i feel pangs of pain from it. even though he wasn't here physically and i hadn't seen him in 3 years, i gave so much of myself to him, emotionally, mentally, even spiritually. it makes my stomach turn. how wrong i was, how stupid i was. i led myself onto into my own fairy tale. i made it happen myself... like, i had been planning it for 3 of the most contemplative years of my life. a perfect love story. and you know what? according to all my theories and all of my standards as well as my friends', it was a wonderful love story... but of course....
what sucks is that i try to write about it, and it's repressed. i can't even feel sometimes. sometimes ive had to force myself to care. right now, it's my head. still thinking. still talking. the only time i really realize how not ready i am is when i think of my situation with Salman. it wouldn't be safe to say that i have a situation with him... and when we're together, when we're alone, i realize our relationship is not yet to the point of really thinking about courtship. we might still be carrying baggage of emotional, mental abuse from the past. and who knows what else. so it's a very good thing that we didnt jump into courtship at the chance of liking each other.
let me talk about my jealousy too. from my very first boyfriend, justin, i have been extremely jealous of other girls and i coveted all his affection. mind you, i was his first girlfriend and he was my first boyfriend. we were on and off though, and we had other people come and go in between. even when we hooked up 2 years later, i found myself still a bit jealous that he had given a significant amount of affections to a past girlfriend, remember the whole menchie situation. my jealousy wasn't too bad with her, because i liked her too... but it made me always self-conscious.
point is, it's a tricky thing with affections. i used to attribute a lot of these vices of mine to being young, but it's not that. affections, infatuations, lust, attachments- they can all get thrown into the circle of love- and not all belong there.
i'm not saying that i won't be able to love once God gives it to me. but i think sometimes i'm so afraid of coming close to anything that has (or has the possibility of becoming in the future) anything to do with the union of a man and a woman in true love.... bc i can feel so insecure.
you know that poem "true love"... the first stanza reads:
"everyone longs to give themselves to someone,
to have a deep soul relationship with another..."
and when God gives him to me, i want to love so passionately.
there's this line... "i want to love you to the point that i need you."
i'm reminded that i must first learn how to love God more passionately and share with Him firstly the greatest love in order to love others the way He wants me to love them.
Monday, June 30, 2003
thats one theory. i could agree with that.
i keep writing stuff but i cant finish it, so i will write more in my next entry.
